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“Distraught” was the subject of
the post on one of the online Pet Loss chat groups few weeks
ago. The author of the post, a woman who had recently euthanized
her beloved dog, described her devastation and sheer sorrow
over her loss. She described feelings of shame and guilt, and
stated, “life is almost unbearable right now…”
She is not alone! Statistics Canada suggests that one or more
pets occupy about half of the Canadian households! Of the millions
pet owners in Canada, many have or will experience the pain
of eventually losing their beloved companion animal. Nature
has it that in most cases humans’ living capacity exceeds
that of most pets.
In spite of ever changing attitudes and ongoing transformations
in our present day society, grief over the loss of a pet is
still largely misunderstood. It may at times be seen as “not
legitimate” or “serious enough” of a loss.
In fact, it tends to be discouraged, often looked upon as “inappropriate,”
“bizarre,” or even “ridiculous.” Frequently,
statements such as “it’s just a pet,” or “you’ll
just get another one” can be heard from those who have
not experienced the joy and uniqueness of the human-animal bond
and therefore are not able to offer a sympathetic ear.
‘In today’s world many consider their pets to be
family members. Numerous owners refer to their pets as their
“children,” and to themselves as “mommy”
or “daddy.” Canadians spend billions in pet supplies
and goods. Yet, very scarce are the resources to which one can
turn when in pain over a beloved pet that is no longer in their
lives.
Bereavement over the loss of a pet should not be taken lightly.
For many, it signifies and re-opens older wounds of losses that
have not yet been fully mourned. Many pet owners tend to minimize
or even deny their true feelings of grief and bereavement, and
often feel forced to mask their sorrow and “move on”
prematurely with their lives while never given the opportunity
to properly grieve and achieve closure for their loss. Some
might also develop risk for Clinical Depression and Complicated
Bereavement if left unattended. Especially vulnerable are the
elderly, single people, childless people, or people for which
their pet served as their only mean of a close relationship
and providers of unconditional acceptance.
Although it is difficult to predict a fixed time for a “typical”
grieving process, it has been observed that such process is
said to last from few short days to a few months, largely dependant
on the circumstances, cultural and personal differences. Some
suggested stages of grief over the loss of a pet, may involve
the following (Based partially on a theory of bereavement by
Dr. Elizabeth Kobler-Ross, 1969):
Shock and disbelief: This stage is said to
be normal and temporary, and usually lasts from a few hours
to a few days. Here is when awareness over the loss of the beloved
pet has not yet emerged, and it is still very difficult to acknowledge
the irreversibility of the loss. Statements such as “I
can’t believe he is really gone” typically heard
in this stage.
Denial / distancing: This stage serves as
a primal and protective defense mechanism against the pain of
loss. Yet, denial also suggests some degree of acknowledgment
(however resisted) regarding the permanency of the loss, and
a strong wish for a “magical” reunion with the loved
companion. Support in this stage is crucial for the grieving
person.
Anger: Anger is a normal and expected reaction
to overwhelmingly frustrating and distressing situations. It
is also an expression of a profound sense of helplessness and
immobility, mainly when we feel others are responsible for our
loss, or “have not done enough” to save our pet.
Anger is often directed at veterinary staff, unsympathetic others,
ourselves, and even at the lost pet itself for abandoning us.
Educating pet owners and helping them learn to recognize the
nature of their anger is often found helpful.
Guilt / Depression: It is quite common for
people who have lost their pet to feel guilty. This is mostly
true when a decision to euthanize was made often out of necessity.
Guilt could also be seen as an expression of negative self-evaluation,
or a sense of failure and obligation toward the innocent and
trusting animal. Some owners find themselves caught in an exhausting
cycle of “what-if” and ruminations. At this stage,
depressed feelings are also experienced and in some cases, professional
help is recommended in order to assist the person through this
difficult phase.
Acceptance and resolution: Accepting the loss
of a pet comes as a recognition that the beloved animal will
not return. Depending on religious and spiritual beliefs, one
may find comfort in the conviction that he or she will one day
reunite with their loved ones. Learning to accept and move on
requires the process of turning a sense of anger and guilt into
forgiveness and closure. A fresh perspective is adopted, and
the person begins to re-experience joy and pleasure in life,
often through adopting a new pet into his or her life.
SOME SUGGESTED TOOLS FOR COPING
In trying to cope with the loss, it is often helpful to find
meaning, or purpose not only in the death itself, but also in
what role did the pet play in our lives? What did we learn and
how did we change as a result of sharing the unique relationship
with our pet? Giving meaning to lost lives aids in transforming
feelings of finality and permanency into a more spiritually
significant relationship with the lost pet.
Noticing changes to routine, such as at feeding, walking, playing
time, can be the most difficult reminder of the loss. Paying
extra attention and effort to maintaining these special times
while being active, or taking time to create a symbolic closure
might be helpful, such as designing a special memory album,
drawing, writing to or about the pet, creating a ‘memory
box’ with items belonged to your pet, or engaging in any
other creative expression. Joining a support group, or when
needed, talking to a qualified counsellor is also an option
when things are overwhelming.
Some pet owners are driven to dedicate their time or finance
to animal rescue shelters or other non-profit causes, in the
name of their pet, and usually find tremendous comfort and healing
through such involvement. Other owners might just find themselves
celebrating with a new companion animal once their grieving
process has altered into a more bearable stages, and are excited
to re establish their special bond with a new relationship full
of tail-wagging joy and the inevitable sorrow that life brings
upon.
To register for free, and post your thoughts on the Pet Loss
Bereavement support E-group, visit http://groups.msn.com/MorethanJustAPetCopingwithyourloss
(a more descriptive web site is currently under construction)
Shiri R. Joshua is a psychotherapist in private practice
in Thornhill and in Brampton. She now offers support groups
and individual counselling to grieving pet owners. For more
information, or to find out about the next group cycle in your
area, please contact:
Shiri R. Joshua, M.A., OACCPP
Director, Mental Health Resources Canada
www.MHRC.ca
mental_health@canada.com
Tel. (416) 571-1175
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